Shameless WIth Him: A Less Than Novel Read online

  “Okay, other than going to that bar and working—and apparently trying not to walk out on me because I’m acting like an idiot—what do you do for fun these days, Caleb?”

  I shook my head, pulling myself back to the conversation. “You’re not an idiot. Sorry. Apparently, I’m just grumpy.”

  “Women love grumpy men, Caleb. You should know that.”

  I gave her my best smirk. “Oh, that I do, darling.”

  Her laughed trilled, and I just shook my head, joining her in the laughter.

  “You really need to use that smirk on everyone. It does wonders.”

  “Glad I could help.”

  We talked about nothing, and that was fine. I wasn’t going home with her tonight, I hadn’t planned on it going in. It was simply nice being with another human when I didn’t have to sit at home and wonder about mortality and everything that came with life—or the lack thereof.

  After we’d finished our meals, we paid the bill and went to the valet for our cars. We had met at the restaurant rather than me picking her up, and from the look on her face, I knew that she knew we weren’t going home together. I wasn’t in the mood, and it was clear that she’d figured that out on her own.

  “This was nice, Caleb. Maybe we should do it again in ten years.”

  “You really think you’re going to be single in ten years?” It was an honest question. Robin was a fantastic, talented, brilliant, and beautiful woman. She deserved happiness however it came.

  “Maybe. I have work to do. Men get in the way.”

  “You know, that’s kind of what we do. It’s our legacy.”

  “You’re a good man, Caleb. I hope that you’re not single in ten years, even if part of me kind of wishes you would be.”

  I only hoped I’d be here in ten years. I quickly pushed that thought from my mind because I wasn’t going to think about it.

  “It was good seeing you, Robin.” I kissed her on her cheek as the valet pulled up. As she slid into her car, my gaze met someone else’s, not Robin’s. Someone from my past—and my present. And maybe my future, only not in the way that I might want it.

  Zoey stood on the other side of the street, her hands full of bags from wherever she had been shopping. I knew she worked hard, and sometimes she didn’t get to the grocery store until late in the evening. My brother had mentioned it to me once because his woman was best friends with Zoey.

  Zoey had been in and out of my life for as long as I could remember. She had always been there, literally in every hemisphere I’d ever visited. Oddly, she was always there.

  She gave me a halfhearted smile from across the way, looked at Robin in her car, and then laughter filled her eyes. I didn’t know what that meant. Then again, I never could read Zoey. She was so good at hiding who she was, that I sometimes forgot to search deeper. And every time I thought I should, she pulled away, and then I didn’t see her again for a while. Now, it was kind of hard to hide when I saw her practically every day. Or at least every week. Sometimes, it felt like every day because I spent more time with my family now than I ever had in the past, or at least the past decade.

  Zoey shook her head and walked off to where she was presumably parked. I almost wanted to walk out and make sure she got to her car okay. An image of that asshole back at the bar when we were younger filled my mind. It had been what? Eleven years ago, now?

  It still filled me with rage when I thought about it. I hadn’t been able to kill that asshole. Hadn’t been able to do anything except pull him off of her and get her home. I didn’t even remember the girl I was with at the time. Not that I remembered every woman I had ever been with, but I tried not to forget them. We hadn’t done anything more than hold hands and kiss that night. She had been shaken by what had happened with Zoey, too, and I was so pissed off that I hadn’t wanted to do anything but get her home just like I had gotten Zoey home.

  Thinking about it now, I didn’t remember her name. I remembered Zoey’s face. And I was never going to get that image out of my mind. Holy hell, how was I supposed to do that when all I could do was imagine her drunk again? The asshole forcing the issue. Luckily, I had been there. Jesus Christ.

  What if I hadn’t been there?

  What if she had been forced to go home with him?

  My hands fisted, and I made myself not think about that.

  “Sir? Your car is here.”

  I gave the valet a nod and a tip, then slid into the driver’s seat. I didn’t want to go home. Didn’t want to be alone. I hated the sound of my empty house. I hadn’t even put anything up on the walls yet, and I’d been living there for long enough that I should have. My little sister Amelia constantly annoyed me about it. One day, I was going to come home, and there would be pictures and art on my walls thanks to her and my sister-in-law, as well as my future sister-in-law. The women would take care of it, if I let them.

  It was just hard to want to put permanence on a place where I hadn’t really had permanence until now.

  Honestly, I didn’t know if I was ever going to find anything permanent again. Not when I was still waiting.

  Still fucking waiting.

  I put the car in drive and headed towards Devin’s.

  I could have gone to Dimitri’s, only he was at least an hour south. Since it was still pretty early considering that I’d had an early dinner with Robin, driving down to surprise my brother and his very pregnant wife probably wouldn’t be the smart thing, especially not with the likely traffic.

  I didn’t want to visit my little sister because Tucker was practically living there now, and imagining Amelia doing things I didn’t want to think about wasn’t high on my fun-things-to-do list. So, I would see Devin. Any of my siblings would open their homes to me in an instant. Even if I annoyed the fuck out of them, they would let me in. Like I would do for them.

  I just didn’t want to be alone.

  When I pulled into the driveway, I was grateful to see the lights on, and shadows in the window. They didn’t seem to be doing anything inappropriate, thank God, so I headed up to the door and knocked.

  Erin answered, her hair piled on the top of her head, and a green face mask on her face.

  “Hey there. Looking beautiful. Is green the new color?”

  Her eyes widened, and she tapped her cheek and cursed.

  “Crap. Devin!” She turned, and I followed her into the living room, closing and locking the door behind me.

  “What is it, babe?” Devin asked from the kitchen.

  “You let me answer the door with my face mask on.”

  Devin’s head popped out of the kitchen door, and I grinned.

  “Considering I’m wearing the same damn face mask as you right now, I figured you should be the one to answer.”

  “So, you knew I was going to?”

  “Of course, I did, babe. You look beautiful.”

  I laughed. “And so do you, big brother. Love the new look.”

  “Fuck you. My pores are going to be amazing after this.”

  Erin beamed at us. “That is true. And next time, there’s this pumpkin spice one that I love.”

  Devin raised his green brows. “That’s just going to make me hungry.”

  “Great, now I want dessert,” I grumbled.

  “I thought you were on a date tonight?” Devin asked, bringing out some cheese and fruit.

  Yum, cheese and fruit. Ever since our older brother Dimitri had married Thea, cheese had become a huge part of our lives. However, Thea was now very pregnant and couldn’t have soft cheeses anymore. We’d all thought about maybe giving it up with her, but we couldn’t. Not when soft cheese existed in the world.

  “I was on a date.”

  “That bad?” Erin asked, taking a piece of cheese from the board before Devin could set it down.

  “No, it was nice. I just wasn’t in the mood for it to go any further.”

  “That sounds reasonable. Are you going to eat all of our cheese?” she asked as I nibbled another piece.

&nbs
p; “What? It’s really good,” I answered with a mouth full of cheese.

  “I have more in the fridge that I can cut up. Or I can make my lazy brother do it for me.” Devin kissed Erin on the lips before taking a seat next to her, cheese in hand. “Anything you wanted to talk about, or are you just here because you want to be?”

  “No, I was bored and figured I’d see what you guys were up to. Dimitri’s was too far, and last time I was at Amelia’s, I walked in on something I never want to think about again.”

  Devin shuddered, and Erin giggled.

  “She told me about that. There are some things siblings never need to see.”

  “Or talk about,” I growled out.

  “Or talk about,” Erin agreed. “So, you’re just here because you want to be?”

  I shrugged. “I was gone awhile when I was in Alaska. Figured I’d say hi.”

  “We were just going to sit and watch a movie tonight. We’re doing face masks and eating cheese. And, eventually, Erin wants to convince me to do a pedicure.”

  I snorted. “Can’t you just go somewhere and get one? Seems easier than having to deal with feet.”

  Erin nodded and munched on her cheese. “Sure. Except, sometimes, you can do those little bags that you wrap around your feet, and then you have baby feet for a few months.”

  “Why would you want baby feet?” I asked.

  “Because they’re soft and pretty. Wait. Have you ever had a pedicure?”

  I shrugged, and Devin snorted. “Really, bro?”

  “You’re wearing a face mask, don’t even.”

  “Touché.” A pause. “Was it good?”

  “Considering that my feet are in work boots for most of the time when I’m awake, it felt fucking amazing. I didn’t let them do any polish or anything because I don’t really need color on my toes. If that’s your thing, then go for it. However, I liked the little cheese grater thing they used.”

  “Please don’t talk about the cheese grater thing for your feet while we’re eating cheese,” Erin snapped.

  I looked at her, shaking my head. “Good point. However, I’m not joining you for a pedicure.”

  “Then you have to join in on the face masks if you’re going to eat our cheese.” Erin jumped to her feet.

  I shrugged. Might as well live for the moment while I could still live at all. Not that I said those words aloud. I didn’t even want to think those words.

  “Okay, I’ll bite. Can I have the pumpkin spice one?”

  “We’re saving that for next time. You get green like both of us.”

  “Anything you want.”

  She rushed off to where I assumed the face masks were, and Devin stared at me. “Anything on your mind?”

  I shook my head, my gaze down on my phone even though there wasn’t anything on the screen. Devin would be able to tell something was up. Just like Amelia would. Like Dimitri. And I was worried. Worried because I didn’t have any answers.

  So, I wasn’t going to think about anything. I was simply going to breathe, eat some cheese, clean my pores, and be near my family.

  Because I didn’t have any answers. And, sometimes, living was the only way to just be.

  Chapter 3

  Zoey

  “I’m getting married!”

  I just grinned, shaking my head as I sat down on the familiar couch in my parents’ home. My sister danced in the middle of the living room, careful not to bump into the coffee table. My mother beamed at her. My little sister was getting married. Finally, in her estimation.

  My mother had probably wished…no, there was no probably about it, my mother had wished that I would be the first one to get married. Or at least engaged. Or maybe be in a serious relationship. After all, I was the older sister. That was how things were supposed to go. Only that’s not how life worked. I did have a plan, however. At least, an endgame. I needed to come up with the rest of the scheme.

  “I’m so happy, I can’t even stand it,” Mom said before she stood up and took Lacey’s hands into her own. The two looked at each other, their eyes bright and a little teary before they bent slightly, resting their foreheads together. “My little baby’s getting married. You’re going to be such a beautiful bride, Lacey. Such a beautiful bride.”

  I swallowed hard and stood up, walking around the coffee table so I could join in. It wasn’t that they forgot I was there, it was more like it had always been the two of them against the world. And, honestly, I’d never been the least bit jealous about that. How could I be when Lacey had been through so much?

  My mother and Lacey had spent countless hours together in the emergency room, in the hospital, in the bathroom with Lacey puking her guts out, and my mother had practically slept in Lacey’s room, cuddling her baby daughter when my sister was going through treatments.

  The two had bonded in a way that I would never be able to do with either of them. And I would never begrudge them for that. Because I didn’t know what it felt like to look at my own mortality, especially at that young an age, and wonder if I was going to wake up the next day. I didn’t know what it was like to think that I could possibly outlive my daughter.

  So, no, I never envied the fact that the two of them had their special bond. One I didn’t share with even my father. Even though I still sometimes liked to consider myself a Daddy’s girl, I didn’t have that special bond with him either—and neither of us felt the lack. However, I did want to be part of Lacey and Mom’s moment, if only for a bit. Because, after all, my little sister, the one I had been so afraid I would lose multiple times in my life, was getting married.

  “You are going to be an amazing bride,” I said, coming up to put my hands on each of their backs. They looked at me then, their eyes wide, tears trickling down their cheeks.

  “I can’t wait. John is such an amazing man. And he’s all mine.”

  I smiled, shaking my head. John Yi was a wonderful man—one I didn’t really know all that well because he was a cardiologist and worked long hours. He rarely came to the same family dinners I attended. My mother knew him, and my dad really liked him. And because of all of that, I was all there for this wedding. And I knew from the bit that I had gotten to know him, that he loved my baby sister with every ounce of his soul. What more could I ask for in a future brother-in-law?

  “He’s going to make you very happy, just as I know you’re going to make yourself very happy,” I added.

  Lacey rolled her eyes and pulled away so she could do a little butt wiggle again before turning towards me. “Oh, stop it. I’m not like you. I want to get married and have babies and have a wonderful life.” Lacey swallowed hard, and I wanted to reach out and hug her. Only I didn’t, because she wouldn’t want that. “And I know that having babies naturally is probably not in the cards for me, but I’m fine,” she added.

  My mother opened her mouth to speak when Lacey quickly shook her head. “No. I’ve already gone through that mourning stage in my life. John and I are already looking into adoption, and possibly talking about surrogacy.” She glanced at me hopefully, and I held up my hands.

  “Whoa there, let’s do the wedding first. And then maybe we can talk about my uterus.”

  She just rolled her eyes at me, and I held back a shudder. I would do many things for my sister, and if she and John asked, I might actually do that. Only that was a long way off, and I needed to get through the idea of it first. And then there was the whole pregnancy thing… I really did not want to go through pregnancy. Not that it wasn’t beautiful and wonderful for many women. I just never really thought that was my thing. It changed your body, it changed your life, and it was a huge hormonal and emotional burden. And with surrogacy, you didn’t get the baby in the end. She hadn’t even asked yet, and I was overthinking things for no reason. After all, John had three sisters, three wonderful siblings, two of whom already had children of their own. We knew their uteruses worked just fine.

  I really needed to stop digging myself into a mental hole.

  “Okay
, so, where do we start?” I asked, and both my mother and my sister looked at each other before they burst out laughing.

  “Oh, honey, we’ve already started.” Mother reached down and picked up the very large binder with the tablet resting on top.

  “I thought that was like a baby book,” I said, frowning.

  “No, no, no, this is The Wedding Book.” She said the words as if they were all capitalized, and there should be angels singing.

  I frowned.

  “The wedding book? Wait, didn’t you have one like that when you were younger and used to play with it while you were in the hospital bed?”

  My mother winced while Lacey nodded. Mom didn’t like to talk about that time. Mostly because, every time she did, everyone got super sad and started thinking about cancer again. Lacey didn’t have a problem with saying the C-word, and neither did I. Mom was another story, so we were both careful around her.

  “It’s not the exact same wedding book because, you know, I’m not six anymore. Though it is where it all began.” We laughed. “We really have been planning this wedding for my entire life.” Lacey shrugged. “I didn’t know if I’d ever have a wedding. Or if I’d have a prom or learn to drive or do any of that. So, I wanted to live with the idea that I could. With sparkly dresses and flowers galore. I wanted twinkle lights and a band, and I wanted my dad to dance with me and give me away. I wanted all of that. So, Mom and I made The Wedding Book. It’s not going to be the same incarnation by the time we’re done. However, I love the fact that I actually get to do this.” She took a shaky breath. “It’s not just a dream anymore.”

  I discreetly wiped at a tear as my mother blew her nose into a tissue. It had been over ten years since the last scare, and every day felt like borrowed time, even if Lacey was completely healthy. The damage that chemo and radiation and countless medical tests did to one’s body changed everything. I was going to do anything my little sister asked, even if I had a feeling from the way that my mother and Lacey kept looking at each other, the word Bridezilla might be uttered. More than once.